I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
