my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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