I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
