yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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