Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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