everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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