If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I touched a dick in church today
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
