i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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