I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
God I need to hump something, right now.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
