Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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