Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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