Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
