just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I need to stop coming to work sober
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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