Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
