Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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