I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
me + whiskey = a bad person
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
