We won't sleep together?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
