people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
