I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
