Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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