i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
