I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
