I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
