Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
