I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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