just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The air taste purple.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
