no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
