I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
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She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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