Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
