I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
