You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
