I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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