It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
