I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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