Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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