if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
