I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
