your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
