Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
