When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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