I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
