So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
