dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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