And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
