my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
