Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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