oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
