Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
