i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize