But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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