Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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