Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
