On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Your cock deserves a montage
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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