i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
